


Zodiac Signs

by eating_soap



Series: my oneshots [3]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Artemis Pissed, Best, Gemini - Freeform, Hermes is a TikToker, I don't know, Zodiac signs - Freeform, is - Freeform, obviously, the, uhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:34:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27402823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eating_soap/pseuds/eating_soap
Summary: Athena introduces the Olympians to Zodiac Signs. Starring a pissed Artemis and a *hot* Aphrodite. One-Shot. Posted on here because it wouldn't work on Fanfiction.net
Relationships: Aphrodite/Ares (Percy Jackson), Apollo & Artemis (Percy Jackson), Demeter/Cereal, Hera/Zeus (Percy Jackson), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: my oneshots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1843435
Comments: 7
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

**hi. I had this idea yesterday, and it's basically the gods learning about zodiac signs. I also had to make up birthdays for each god, because it doesn't say specifically when they were born. (besides Artemis and Apollo). I don't believe in Zodiac signs so this is just going to be satire lol.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

Hera had made a futile attempt to get the Olympians together to bond over dinner, and as she put it, 'be a normal family.' The gods planned to eat on a huge, marble, table in the dining room.

One-by-one, the gods piled in.

The dinner was one big awkward silence, Zeus picking at his ambrosia, and Poseidon chugging his water. Finally, Athena cleared her throat.

"What's your zodiac sign? I'm a Virgo." She could see the confusion on her fellow gods faces.

"Is that a kind of cereal?" Demeter asked eagerly. Athena shook her head.

"It is a star sign..." Athena launched into a detailed description of the zodiacs.

"Is Ursa Major a zodiac?" Artemis asked curiously.

"No. The only zodiac signs are Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces."

"Aquarius sounds cool." Poseidon noted.

"No, it doesn't!"

"What is the May 24th zodiac?" Apollo asked about his birthday.

"Gemini."

"What's the one after Gemini?"

"Cancer."

"Artemis is a cancer."

"Apollo, we're _twins!_ We were born on the same day, dumbass!" Hephaestus frowned.

"Who ever said asses were dumb?" He asked angrily, defending his sacred animal. Artemis put her head down on the table in frustration and growled.

"Spending too much time with your animal friends, sis?" Apollo taunted. He became a silver porcupine of arrows.

"It's ironic, Gemini's symbol is the twins, and Apollo and Artemis are Geminis and the twins." Poseidon said, looking at his phone.

"You finally learned what ironic means, fish breathe!" Athena sneered.

"I always knew what it meant!"

By now, Hermes was already logged into TikTok, watching compilations.

"According to this, all Geminis are hot." Hermes looked at Apollo and wrinkled his nose. "This is _so_ wrong."

"If all Geminis are hot, then I must be one!" Aphrodite screeched, yanking the phone from the god of Messengers, just to drop it when she spotted the two snakes curling around the top.

_Ow._ George complained.

_Please be more careful, dear._ Martha told the petrified love goddess.

"Aphrodite, you're a Capricorn."

"Then Capricorns must be so amazing!"

Dionysus took a long sip of his Kool-Aid. (His Roman son, Dakota, introduced it to him, and it was a good replacement for wine.)

"Is there a wine zodiac?"

"No!"

Dionysus rolled his eyes.

"What am I?" Ares asked Athena.

"Aries." She responded

"I know- but what zodiac sign?"

"Aries." She repeated, annoyed.

"I know that, woman!"

"Then why are you asking?"

"Because I want to know my zodiac sign!"

"Your zodiac sign _is_ Aries!" Realization dawned on Ares.

"They named a zodiac sign after me? Sweet!" He pumped his fist.

"It wasn't name after y-" Athena started.

"Yes it was!" He yelled and shoveled ambrosia into his mouth to signal the conversation was over.

On the other side of the table, Aphrodite had recovered from the shock of George and Martha.

"Ares, we're breaking up! Our zodiac signs are not compatible!"

"What? After over four thousand years?" He complained. Aphrodite shushed him.

"It's not you, it's your zodiac sign."

Hera turned to Athena.

"What is mine and Zeus's signs?" She asked, looking for an excuse to argue with him.

"Father is a Libra and you are Aquarius. Very compatible, by the way." Hera was about to reply-

**Enough!** Zeus boomed. "Libra is the best sign, end of discussion." He glared around, daring anyone to contradict him and get tossed off Olympus.

Hera sighed. What a nice family dinner.

**I really want to make one where they discover Florida Man and one where it's the solstice and Hestia and Hestia are having a book club and sipping tea and making commentary lol.**


	2. Florida Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sequel. Thanks to the amazing LifeOfRoos.

**All Florida Man mentions actually happened. I made up all the birthdays except for Artemis and Apollo**

The Zodiac Sign disaster had not been mentioned since the dinner. Perhaps it was for the better, but the Olympians were craving something new - but like the star signs.

"Florida Men!" Athena announced at a council meeting. Zeus looked up at the mention of the place where he'd watch girls at the beach.

"I know what that is!" Dionysus announced excitedly, Apollo nodding hard.

"What is it?" Aphrodite asked eagerly, leaning in.

"It-" Athena started, only to be cut off by Apollo.

"You search Florida Man then your birthday, and then something crazy pops up, like Florida Man arrested after praising the Lord while highway surfing his Cadillac. That's mine, anyways."

"Men." Artemis scoffed. 

" _Florida_ Men." Hermes corrected. "And- I don't see what is wrong with this kind of stuff happening."

"What is mine?" Poseidon asked Apollo.

"February 8th, right?" Poseidon nodded.

"Florida man threw live gator in Wendy's drive-thru window, police say." He read.

"I honestly don't see anything wrong with that! What if it was just a joke?" Hermes defended the Florida Man.

"I love Wendy's! Whoever did that is going to pay!" Zeus growled. Hermes gulped.

"Hermes..." Athena trailed off. "Where were you when this happened?"

"I don't remember!" He lied.

"I'm the god of truth." Apollo told him.

"Are you implying that I threw a gods-damn gator in a Wendy's."

"Well-"

"Does mine have anything to do with cereal?" Demeter asked, saving Hermes. "March 3rd."

"Naked man rides bike backwards on Miami Interstate."

"That sounds like something Hermes would do..."

Hermes ran.

**thank you to the amazing LifeOfRoos for giving me the idea of having Hermes be the Florida Man! Sorry this was so short.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this doesn't need to exist but now it does


End file.
